Married

My Brother got married yesterday.  The day was lovely and special and long and busy and beautiful and sad.  I am not sad that he is married, I am so happy for him.  I am happy that he and Jesse opened their eyes to see how perfect for each other they are, and I am happy that he has someone to love who loves him back with the same intentionality that loves with. 

I am sad for the change, for how our relationship is never going to be the same.  I know that it already changed when I got married...I just did not feel the change then.  I realized a few months ago...before they got engaged even, that Ed had been through this process when I got married, and I was clueless to it.  Ok, maybe not clueless,but I really did not get how it felt to him for me to have a new #1 guy in my life.  And I guess that is what I am really mourning...the loss of position in Ed's life.  Jesse is now his #1, and she should be, but I am going to miss being so close to him.

And I know that Erica is feeling the same thing X2 right now, cause she is being shifted around in both Ed and Jesse's lives.  And what I really am finding that wanted, but can't have now is some sort of closer.  A last _______ with Ed, something to mark the fact that we are never going to be the same.  A few months before I got married, he and I went to a Sigur Ros concert as a last date.  Looking back, it helped me mark the shift from him being my "go to" for things to Dave being my "go to".  I don't know what it meant for him...but I guess I kinda wanted something along those lines...or maybe just a conversation. But I just feel forgot about and left out. 

And I know that he has been super busy, and I have been super busy, and that this is how life grows and changes and it is good.  But I miss my brother.